The New Year has come and I’ve decided that this nation needs to implement some resolutions for its own good. And for 2006's Resolutions I’ll steal a page from political pundit/comedian Bill Maher and list a few new rules.
So prepare your mind for these adjustments and enjoy!
New Rule: There shall be no natural disasters for the duration of the year. I’ve decided that they’re too costly both in money and in lives. For real, the natural disasters of ’05 were just shy of apocalyptic; the likes of which the living populous has never seen before. And we’re no where near recovering from the devastation these monster events have caused us. Earthquakes, Tsunamis, Tornadoes, Hurricanes, Wildfires, and a host of other odd meteorological occurrences. As a result, Mother Nature must be kind this year.
New Rule: Latin Pop Singer Marc Anthony will release Jennifer Lopez (his current wife) from the prison of their home. When the year 2005 began, I had grand designs on Jennifer Lopez (my future wife) putting her past behind her (including her rolodex of ex’s; David Cruz, Ojani Noa, P. Diddy…my bad…Diddy, Cris Judd, and Ben Affleck) so that we could move on with our (mine and Jennifer’s) lives together. I was also heavily anticipating all the great music videos that she was going to make to accompany her latest album and callipygous body. Well clearly Marc Anthony has gotten between she and I, as well as all my dreams. JLo only dropped 3 videos off that album, and all before March. In fact, has anyone even seen her since she and that guy (Anthony) sang that filthy duet at the Grammy’s last February?
New Rule: In the year 2006, Christmas will be moved from December 25th to April 32nd. That way I won’t have to suffer through another “Christmas” season hearing the fruitless debate about the phrase “Merry Christmas” vs. “Happy Holidays” or “Holiday Tree” vs. “Christmas Tree.” I guess the issue is that this is a Democracy full of a plethora of Holidays, often tied to various non-Christian religions, that some Christians apparently see as a threat. But for those of us who celebrate the religious essence of Christmas, the chronological presence of other holidays doesn’t take away from its meaning. Be that as it may, my proposal will allow Christmas to have its own season to itself, and all the mindless nuts that want an exclusive Christmas Holiday can just have it and leave the rest of us alone.
New Rule: The Bird Flu is required to kill us all. I know it sounds a bit morbid, but I just hate it when something doesn’t live up to the hype. And the last few years in medicine have been at the heart of my disappointment. First SARS was gonna take us all out, and then it was the West Nile Virus. Since both of those cataclysmic illnesses never took flight I am counting on this Bird Flu to do the trick. I mean the Bird Flu has a duty and obligation to decimate at least half the planet by the end of the year considering all the fear it has propagated and all the press coverage it has received.
New Rule: George W. Bush will fire himself. Yes, that’s right, after miraculously attaining a shred of common sense, Bush realizes that statements like “if I knew then what I know today, I would’ve still gone into War with Iraq,” and “the USA didn’t decide to go to war…Saddam did,” are completely stupid, he takes the opportunity to repent of his stupidity and resigns.
New Rule: People who voted for George W. Bush will go to jail. Yup, if you voted for him you should have to suffer the same fate (or even a more crucial fate) as a felonious thief. Your stupidity, coupled with Bush’s stupid statements, has stolen American lives, money, etc., and made America 90% dumber. Your penalty is 4 years in the slammer, that way you can’t screw up another Presidential election. And while you’re there, you get to listen to recordings of all Bush’s stupid statements throughout his Presidency as further punishment.
New Rule: All people that watch movies and walk out of them and recite these words: “the book was so much better than the movie,” will be banished to a land of movielessness. Uh huh, I’m totally tired of people who read a novel, and then rush to the theater to denounce the representative movie. Of course the movie is going to leave things out. Of course there are many, many details that can’t comfortably fit on the big screen within the time limits of the human attention span. What would you prefer? A ten hour Jurassic Park? An 18-hour Lord of the Rings experience? A three day Harry Potter marathon??? Books will always be more detailed…therefore I suppose they will always be better than the movies…Get Over It!!!
New Rule: Beginning in the 2006-2007 NBA season, all players will be required to not only enter the arena in Business Attire, but they must play in it too. Since David Stern wants the players to dress in attire that is representative of his $3 Billion dollar business, why not go all the way? I’m talkin’ Seattle Supersonics players wearing Lime Green Stacey Adams’ shoes with Lime Green and Canary Yellow Suits to match. I’m talkin’ Detroit Pistons’ wearing Blue Suede shoes for Home games and Red Alligator Penny Loafers for Away games. I’m talkin’ the Spurs sporting silver cufflinks, neckties and buttons to go along with their Black and White w/Silver Lapel Sports Jackets. And as an addendum, all teams are allowed to wear hats…as long as the color of the feather in it matches the belt.
New Rule: This year, R. Kelly will go to jail. And c’mon “ara,” make it easy on us…just turn yourself in. We all know it was you in those scandalous videos. And hiding behind that mask in a variety of subsequent videos (e.g. Step in the Name of Love) was certainly better camouflage than in the infamous (grimey) tapes, but we knew that was you too. Yes, we do all enjoy your music; it is nothing less than genius. Which is why we encourage you to continue recording…just do it behind bars.
And Finally, New Rule: In the year 2006, all white women will go missing. Yes sir. All white women will go missing in the year 2006. Now hopefully they won’t go missing because of brutal abuse or abductions, but whatever the means, this occurrence will give every news station in the country the story that they want to cover the most…the unbelievable disappearance of more white women. Every other news story will take a backseat to “missing white women” coverage. Even if the Earth fell off its axis, no longer orbited the Sun, and average temperatures on Earth decreased to three below zero; the reporting surrounding the search for all the missing white women will supercede any such occurrence. I know this isn’t really a New Rule, in fact it seems to be quite the norm, but I guess we’ll just amplify it for the New Year! How ‘bout that?!!!
Happy New Year…
…May God Bless you all in 2006
Sincerely,
Maelstrom
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